Jul 11, 2002

July she will fly and give no warning to her flight.

Tonight, I took stock of how things once foreign are now familiar. And how close I am to crossing my one year mark here. How odd that is. I can't see ahead a year. I can't fathom how a year will get by me. Or how I will get through it. And yet here it is. A year. Passed. Lived. Endured. Survived. Overcome. Catalogued. And a year before that. And one before that.

My life sits within a slightly different housing today. The lines and curves are altered. The sun comes in from a different compass direction. I have a breakfast nook. And of course, it's not just the place I live. It's the sort of cloud I live it under. Or the umbrella. Or ray of sunshine. It's the shell of me. Ever guarded. Ever eager. Ever earnest.

There are people in my life today who were not in it a year ago. And I marvel that I could have gotten on without them. I wonder who will be on that list a year from now. And I have no way to anticipate it. To think about life in a year's time boggles my mind. I have grown accustomed to change. Prepared for it if only for the sake of wanting to steel myself against its assault. I can't imagine it will be anything like it is today. With the exception of the fact that 7-11 will probably again be offering free commemorative Slurpees. Or so I'm told. A year from now, who knows. Who knows.

A fortune cookie told my mom she was an altruist who would soon be engaged in humanitarian efforts. She was the first to point out how untrue a thing that was. Don't trust fortune cookies. They're just trying to get back at you for breaking them in half and often not even for the sake of eating.

I had toyed with the idea of going to Disneyland recently. I wish I had gone. It has been slightly more than a year since the last time I went. It was so humid that day. A thick, heavy heat that leaves your face slick and your hair lank. But it was fun and well-planned and never tedious or trying. And it started to rain at the very end. I had to run through the weighty droplets to get to the car. It was something to laugh about. And to feel exhilarated by. I want to feel exhilarated again. Not only for the sake of specifically recreating what I once felt. But just to feel it again. Just to call up that sensation and remember it all over again. I'm wondering if I will be able to find that sense of fun and thrill and laughter in anything absent of a jewel heist that takes place in a gumball factory.

I don't know what to write. That's why I ramble. I sit here and wait for the words to come. I place my fingers on the keyboard, in much the same way I once placed my fingers on the keys of our piano and hoped that Mozartian magic would spring from my fingertips. That I would compose a brilliant tune just by moving my fingers around for a while. But we all know what tune that makes. How to create. A challenge. How does it take place. In my case, I think sometimes I really do just put on a blindfold and hold my arms out and flail around for a while and then see if anything came of it. This strategy was not devised by my inner scientist.

So, I seek to create. But I shy away from structure. I want to make something real and meaningful but I worry that I waste my time. I fear the truth of inadequacy. And I fight it at the same time. I put some furniture together yesterday, for instance.

Sometimes, I end my sincere thoughts with absurd little ironies. I think it is either a sign of great empathy for the reader or a sign of tremendous cowardice.

Do not eat the Freshness Sachet Oxygen Absorber. It's just there to keep the beef jerky dry.

posted by Mary Forrest at 12:22 AM | Back to Monoblog


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