People who merit a hearty scowl: (Your nominations are welcome, and your participation is greatly appreciated.)

  • The Multi-Billion Dollar Diet and Weight Loss Industry - True, there are a lot of fat people in these here United States. I neither condone nor deny it. But I'm so tired of the marketing blitz surrounding the rush to find an elixir or magic device that will enable the heftier folks to lose weight and achieve the full joy and richness that life has to offer without having to change their eating habits, activity levels, or cell phone numbers. The only person I exempt from this disdain is Richard Simmons. Partly, because he's been at it so much longer than all the other schlubs (Body by Jake, I'm talking to you), and because I met him once in New Orleans, and he said in his lilting, mint-juleps-on-the-Bayou voice, "Hi, Pretty Hair!" It just goes to show you: pay me a compliment, and I've got your back for the duration.

  • The Self-Absorbed - Recently, I had myself a revelation of sorts. I realized that anyone who does anything that cheeses me off usually does so because he (or she, as the case may be) isn't considering my needs but rather is selfishly indulging himself at my expense. Whether you're cutting me off on the freeway, taking the last copy of that hard-to-find CD I've been dying to buy, robbing me at gunpoint, or providing me with poor service at my banking institution of choice, chances are the one thing out of place is your perspective. People who only consider themselves and how events in the world will impact their situations are just plain bad folks. I think we'd all be better off -- perhaps even happy -- if everyone in the world would just stop and consider how he or she can do something nice for Mary Forrest, today. Don't you?

  • The Spice Girls - Thanks for setting the progress of popular music back three decades, ladies. You rule.
  • This one chick who hates my "Dangerously Overexposed" page - I have enclosed the full text of her email for your perusal.
  • From: (Sara C. Reichler)

    Date: 97-04-26 17:32:32 EDT

    Your brand of humor is decidedly old hat and tiresome. Instead of looking for the downside of everything, why not try taking a more positive'll be less likely to become a victim of your own jaded observations. Therefore, I nominate throws a shadow on everyone's joy. Since it's an asbstract [sic] term, why not just nominate yourself?

    Wow! -- somebody woke up wearing the grumpy hat! Thanks for your inspiring comments, Sara. Incidentally, all the cool sarahs spell it with an "h."

  • Chevy Chase - Have a seat, Mr. Chase. Your fifteen minutes are over. Long over. Just sit tight and wait for the release of Modern Problems: The Specal Edition.

  • Christian Bale's Wife - By marrying and making happy the singular love of my younger sister's life, you have destroyed any chance of her ever becoming all that she can be. Shame on you. If you would just step aside and let Beulah Forrest have your husband, birds would sing, clouds would fluff, dogs in the park would join to perform barbershop renditions of Sweet Adeline. Can you honestly live with what you are doing and what it's costing the world?

  • Kathie Lee Gifford - This one's for you, Adam. [Author's Epilogue: Karma, thy name is Frank.]

  • The Makers of Ritz Air Crisps (TM) - Stop trying to make me fat! You're evil. Pure evil!

  • Downtown Julie Brown - A pox on the foul vermin -- despite my typical reluctance to speak ill of the Psychic Friends Network-- who keep employing this tramp! Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against tramps. But find me a tramp with something to say, why don't you. JB's still hoping to get mileage out of her sexcapade with Billy Idol. I know what you're saying: Billy Who? Exactly.

  • O.J. Simpson - I know this lacks originality, but let it never be said that I fumbled an opportunity to shake a disapproving finger at The Juice.

  • The Irish - I'm kidding.

  • The Religious Right - I'm not kidding.


And the Nominees Are...

(I'm so pleased to be a conduit of unadulterated loathing.)

Ryland nominates:

  • God - "for taking Jimmy Stewart, Jim Henson, and Robert Heinlein."
Judy C. nominates:
  • Newt Gingrich - Perhaps it will one day come out that Newt Gingrich has been struggling to suppress public knowledge of the existence of his evil twin (also named Newt) who is ultimately responsible for his decidedly hypocritical appearance. I guess I could accept that.
  • The Wall Street Journal - On this one, I will allow Judy to explain in this excerpt from her nomination: "The entire editorial staff of the Wall Street Journal. They please their owners without regard to truth or journalism or truthful journalism...Actually, throw in the owners of the Wall Street Journal."
  • O.J. Simpson's Amoral Entourage - This means you,"Dream Team." And everyone else who sought to gain notoriety on the blood-speckled coattails of the Juice.
Scott J. nominates:
  • Vlad the Impaler - Cruel and senseless slaughterer of innocents
  • Nosferatu - Cruel and senseless slaughterer of innocents
  • Dick van Patten - Well, I hardly think this entry requires justification.
Ryan S. nominates:
  • Scott J. - Because "Vlad the Impaler kicked ass. Men just can't be that assertive anymore."
To see your own opinions typed here in green, please feel free to submit a nomination.

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