Frequently Asked Questions

I wish I could respond to each of you personally, but, what with the overwhelming breadth of your curiosity, sometimes it just makes sense to try and address these things en masse, particularly when the same questions keep popping up again and again. I hope this helps, but if it doesn't, please feel free to query the mistress (that would be me) directly. I will do my best to answer you promptly and candidly. I am nothing if not open and honest.

I notice you work on your page a lot. Don't you have a job?

Can you give me explicit directions to your home and information about disabling any existing security devices?
No, I'm afraid I can't.

Did you just make all these questions up yourself?
Don't be silly. And don't ever ask that question again.

What do you think life will be like after the apocalypse?
Much like it is now. But maybe with fewer trees. And giant cockroaches will rule the earth.

What was it like to work at
Much like it is to work at any other booming dotcom company. And giant cockroaches ruled the earth.

What is the finest sugary breakfast cereal known to man?
Fruity Pebbles. No Contest.

How does a busy girl like yourself manage to be so clever and charming and still have time left over to watch your figure?
Well, now I can't be expected to give up all my secrets, can I? Plus, who says I'm charming?

For what would you like to be remembered?
My shoes. And my tireless service to mankind.

What have you got against the Vulcan Mind Meld?
Nothing. Meld at your own risk.

Why do you have so many compact discs?
Clearly, I have a dire need for professional psychological help.

Why do you have so many shoes?
Fashion is a cruel and heartless tyrant. But, alas, I must obey.

Is there ANYTHING you don't carry in your handbag?
I have never carried any kind of fresh meat in my handbag. Other than that, everything's fair game. And you can laugh if you want, but when you're trying to pick beef jerky out of your teeth in the car and the next nearest rest stop is three quarters of the way to Albuquerque, you'll look upon me with wide, admiring eyes as I retrieve my mint-flavored floss from that one pocket I keep it in and proceed to treat my chompers to some sweet relief.

Can you spare some change?
Oh, uh, I, uh, don't have any cash on me. Sorry -- yeah, God bless you, too...

What is the capital of Upper Volta?
You mean the West African nation now known as Burkina Faso? Why, that would be Ouagadougou, of course.

How do you take your eggs?
Over easy. Poached will also do nicely. I prefer the yolks intact and runny-like.

Why haven't you done more to advance the career of largely underrated comic genius Brian Regan?
Bear witness to my shame: I have not done my part in catapulting Brian Regan to superstardom, and I am terribly ashamed. But all will be made right. Watch for the Brian Regan Laff-Mobile/Vagabond Book Trolley -- coming soon to a town near you!

What is the significance of June 21, 1996?
That's the day I bought my first pair of Joan and David's. Now I've got six pair and it's probably not such a big deal. But I think the annual parade and ethnic dance exhibition should continue. You know -- for the kids.

What's the deal with Nabisco (R) Air Crisps (TM)?
Hmm? -- I can't answer that question right now. I'm too busy cramming these amazingly light and crispy baked snacks into my mouth. I just can't get enough of them! What are they called again?

What's wrong with your legs?
It's the shoes, silly!

Manolo Blahniks or Birkenstocks?
Manolo Blahniks. I'm proud to say no portion of my body has ever come into contact with a Birkenstock. My fingertips recoil just typing the letters.

What does "Christmas" mean to you?
Popcorn strings and egg nog and giant plastic lawn candles and network rebroadcasts of all my favorite stop animation classics. Oh, and that kid in the manger.

Would you like to buy some Omaha Steaks?
No, and if you ever call my house again, I'll come over there and lay waste to you and all your diseased ilk. Unless you are having another special on the bone-in Omaha Strips. Those things are un-bleeping-believable! Waive the shipping charges, and we're in business.

When are you going to get off your lazy ass and set up a Yo-Hi reunion?
I can't answer that. I'm ashamed to the point of weeping.

Which of your limbs is bionic?
That's very personal. Ask me after I've had a few drinks.


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